So the majority of humanity is predisposed to Fundamental Attribution error, when I say majority I mean all, unless you're Buddha or the Living Christ.  Yes, unfortunately you are not as unique as you once believed!  Fundamental Attribution error robs us of our rationale, hijacks our reason and is a huge player in our ability to forgive.  

Forgiveness is founded upon empathy or sympathy and what F.A.E. does is attributes behavior to character.  In other words, if you stole my wallet it is probably because you are a terrible human being corrupt with evil intentions.  When in reality that individual stole the wallet because they recently lost their job, spouse, home and have 4 children to feed. Although, prior to this devastation they were an otherwise good Samaritan and are clearly acting out of desperation. Behavior versus character!

And while that is only one side of the theory it demonstrates the quote attached (if you want more information you'll have to see me after class). ;) The truth is we all make mistakes and more often than not it isn't because we're terrible people, it's because circumstance has influenced our behavior.  So I say, use mindfulness, employ DBT and remember that no one is exempt from less than beautiful days, but we are all worthy of compassion, love and forgiveness.

In following my blog I trust it’s starkly clear that I may or may not lend great credence to a pragmatic, methodical, or intellectual approach to most subject matter (the ‘may not’ is a horrible joke).  I know that I’ve mentioned the importance of rectifying cognitive distortions like black-and-white thinking.  As I asserted myself on a pedestal of intellectual pragmatism because for a long while I staunchly believed it was the best approach, in fact the only approach.

However, I must confess that the reason for doing so is founded in my own personal struggles and inevitable emotional growth.  In much of my life, I simply wanted answers…factual, absolute answers.   Because if there was a problem-solving method that is time-efficient, fact-calculating, and emotionally cost effective I wanted that approach, I desired those answers.  And I absolutely applied a mathematical language, “there is only one right answer”, to a seemingly haphazard and chaotic world.  I often fell a bit short of perfection; nonetheless, I was committed to the approach.

In my childhood, I drove my mom mad with the incessant need to know.  Know everything.  Know why.  Know what.  Know when.  Know how.  And even with her heavy and busy life as a single mother she always met me with such grace.  She partnered with me even though she was not the type that needed all the answers.  You see she had something I had yet to learn, faith. 

I obsessively made her take me to professionals that could give me more facts and less faith.  I did not trust her philosophical and faith-based approach to life.  I didn’t trust her magic.  I didn’t trust her language either; well, we’ll just have to see or everything will work out or have I failed you yet?  Like The Oatmeal cartoon of Japanese hornets and Godzilla, I was flipping her answers off and bouncing out to find something more concrete.

My methodical tactics, as I mentioned fell just short most of the time, however rendered enough success in life that I wasn’t convinced on giving it up.  And then, like a F5 tornado busting through a small southern town, I had children of my own.  And I so hastily came to realize I had been SO wrong for SO much longer then I was willing to admit.  My eldest, biological son is a mirror image of me in that he doesn’t even trust MY approach.  Here I am spending my life in absolute facts and education such that I can give my children answers I never had and it’s STILL not right!  You can envision Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka at any point now.  While I am certain there are a variety of ways to analyze this paradigm shift…without further ado...

I was born to a beautiful, majestic and intuitive dreamer.  A scientist born to a philosopher.  An atheist born to a pastor.  A devil born to an angel.  As hyperbolic as that seems and none laden in fact, I use it to illustrate the separation I felt growing up.  Now in hindsight with children of my own, I am learning that the separation was illusory.  It wasn’t factual, practical or true.  And the reason I know that lies in the experience that I have as I teach my children, love my man, mentor my friends, and build my career.  You see, the virtuous pillars that I more often lean on now when circumstances sway are my mother’s. 

I was born to a dreamer and I wouldn’t have it any other way because when I don’t have the answers I have her language to carry me.  I have faith that, we’ll just have to see everything turn out as it should.  I have love that causes everything to work out.  And I have peace in knowing that she hasn’t failed me yet.  I have a grace that meets me and partners with me while I am fearful and doubting.  And moreover, my children have those blessings that resonate through me, all because…I was born to a dreamer.

I love you, mom.



      Credit: The Oatmeal

Happy New Year!  Yeah!  That’s what December Haley said with sheer excitement for the advantageously prosperous 2015 around the bend.  I was like, “2015, you gone learn today,” in my very best Kevin Hart impression.  My internal monologue was rife with positivity and thoughts of serendipity and even so far as to think, “You've worked hard Haley, this is your year for success”.  I was daydreaming success in the form of catapulting career opportunities, successful interpersonal relationships, even down to dreamy, cupcake-smiling kids.  And then the New Year hit, but there was no explosion of joy, no catapulting career success, and no Tim Burton’s Big Eye-esque smiling kiddos.  There was just a vacant feeling, emptiness.

Then the cold blew in like the frozen wench that she is and I thought to myself, “You can do this Haley.  It’s just a little rough weather.”  Then I lost a very important relationship, one I poured myself into.  Then I learned of a new circumstance that made me question how my kiddos might be affected, moreover I got to learn of it secondhand.  And at long last up unto this point, I learned a past failure would never be a personal success for me.  It simply couldn't happen.  And my heart felt like it broke into a million tiny pieces. 

You might say, well it’s only the first week of January, things have to look up and up until a few moments ago I would have disagreed with you.  In fact, I may well have argued that these last few days must have been some type of penance for something I had previously mishandled.  Often times when things in my life go in an opposing direction I internalize and self-blame.  I have a high internal locus of control, says the psychologist in me.  The laymen in me says, I should be able to control these things and they are not panning out as I expected, so clearly I did something wrong here.

So with the first week looking as austere as it had, I very well could have tucked my tiny self into a million pillows on my king-size bed, but I've resolved to always be outside in Indiana (no matter the temperature) if there is a Sun to be seen.  So I got up and did the daily shuffle and happened upon a bouquet of roses at the grocery store.  I thought pale pink to be the most befitting of colors per my environment, my current circumstance, and my mood.  As I drove home I intentionally slid my truck around in the snow and then I giggled.  It might have been my first laugh all day and then I heard a quiet voice in my spirit say, “be the grace you so freely receive.”  My eyes filled up with tears and my heart felt heavy.

As I turned inward to understand that message I remembered the losses I had recently endured and I feared I hadn't behaved gracefully, cue internal locus.  Although with each recollection, my Teacher showed me; I, in fact had demonstrated grace even when my heart broke into a million pieces right in front on me.  As I brought the groceries in began prepping the roses for their vase, I trimmed the stems such that they could absorb the nutrients and plucked the leaves that were browning.  I then realized much like those roses I needed to be pruned.  Not because I’m not beautiful or they’re not beautiful or we all aren't beautiful, but because we need to absorb the good content even in the face of death.  None of these lessons should be lost on us as things don’t pan out exactly the way we anticipate they will.

So with this New Year in mind, resolve to remember that success doesn't happen in a week’s time, there are going to be times that a variety of “deaths” are at your doorstep no matter how hard you've tried, and  blaming yourself steals your ability to learn.  Resolve to remind yourself that without the bad you would not know good and without the proverbially deaths, your life cannot bloom.  Resolve to go easy on yourself as you move toward success and in every situation, and moreover resolve to be the grace you so freely receive every day.