On the First Week of 2015, My True Love Gave to Me….

Happy New Year!  Yeah!  That’s what December Haley said with sheer excitement for the advantageously prosperous 2015 around the bend.  I was like, “2015, you gone learn today,” in my very best Kevin Hart impression.  My internal monologue was rife with positivity and thoughts of serendipity and even so far as to think, “You've worked hard Haley, this is your year for success”.  I was daydreaming success in the form of catapulting career opportunities, successful interpersonal relationships, even down to dreamy, cupcake-smiling kids.  And then the New Year hit, but there was no explosion of joy, no catapulting career success, and no Tim Burton’s Big Eye-esque smiling kiddos.  There was just a vacant feeling, emptiness.

Then the cold blew in like the frozen wench that she is and I thought to myself, “You can do this Haley.  It’s just a little rough weather.”  Then I lost a very important relationship, one I poured myself into.  Then I learned of a new circumstance that made me question how my kiddos might be affected, moreover I got to learn of it secondhand.  And at long last up unto this point, I learned a past failure would never be a personal success for me.  It simply couldn't happen.  And my heart felt like it broke into a million tiny pieces. 

You might say, well it’s only the first week of January, things have to look up and up until a few moments ago I would have disagreed with you.  In fact, I may well have argued that these last few days must have been some type of penance for something I had previously mishandled.  Often times when things in my life go in an opposing direction I internalize and self-blame.  I have a high internal locus of control, says the psychologist in me.  The laymen in me says, I should be able to control these things and they are not panning out as I expected, so clearly I did something wrong here.

So with the first week looking as austere as it had, I very well could have tucked my tiny self into a million pillows on my king-size bed, but I've resolved to always be outside in Indiana (no matter the temperature) if there is a Sun to be seen.  So I got up and did the daily shuffle and happened upon a bouquet of roses at the grocery store.  I thought pale pink to be the most befitting of colors per my environment, my current circumstance, and my mood.  As I drove home I intentionally slid my truck around in the snow and then I giggled.  It might have been my first laugh all day and then I heard a quiet voice in my spirit say, “be the grace you so freely receive.”  My eyes filled up with tears and my heart felt heavy.

As I turned inward to understand that message I remembered the losses I had recently endured and I feared I hadn't behaved gracefully, cue internal locus.  Although with each recollection, my Teacher showed me; I, in fact had demonstrated grace even when my heart broke into a million pieces right in front on me.  As I brought the groceries in began prepping the roses for their vase, I trimmed the stems such that they could absorb the nutrients and plucked the leaves that were browning.  I then realized much like those roses I needed to be pruned.  Not because I’m not beautiful or they’re not beautiful or we all aren't beautiful, but because we need to absorb the good content even in the face of death.  None of these lessons should be lost on us as things don’t pan out exactly the way we anticipate they will.

So with this New Year in mind, resolve to remember that success doesn't happen in a week’s time, there are going to be times that a variety of “deaths” are at your doorstep no matter how hard you've tried, and  blaming yourself steals your ability to learn.  Resolve to remind yourself that without the bad you would not know good and without the proverbially deaths, your life cannot bloom.  Resolve to go easy on yourself as you move toward success and in every situation, and moreover resolve to be the grace you so freely receive every day.